He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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