fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
My vagina is very pro this idea
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
