I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
