tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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