booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
