Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The dick lei will go down in squad history
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
