I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
