I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
