i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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