His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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