I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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