I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
