in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
