The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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