Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
