First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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