i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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