You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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