i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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