i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
