hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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