she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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