dude i'm inner monologue high
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
