she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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