My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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