I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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