Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
it's great music for shaving your balls
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
