ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
