Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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