I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
