its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
