A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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