I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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