Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
