Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
