i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
