His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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