Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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