She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
