I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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