halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
