Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
