theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
