i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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