i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
