Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
