I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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