you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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