I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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