Who wears a wallet chain?!
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
