woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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