every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
