i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize