Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
