Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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