I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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