Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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