So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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