these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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