my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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