If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My butt remains clenched, sir.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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