On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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